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seren_ccd*You know it's serious when I break out the Soapdish quotes.
The following are some thoughts that I’ve had running about in my head and thought it might be interesting to write them down and send them into the LJ ether or, as Meg Ryan’s character calls it in You’ve Got Mail (no judging!), the Dear Void.
It has been a very tough year. Heck, it’s been a very tough last few years. We moved twice in the span of 12 months and it looks like we’re off again sometime this summer. Everything feels incredibly temporary and stability feels like this thing that happens to other people and not us. (It even feels like it’s this thing that Other People Have Earned But Not Us, but that’s a WHOLE ‘nother post.)
Considering how jumbled everything is and how much anxiety there is that seems to hover just above our heads, I’ve been working hard to try to find ways to mitigate it and to draw some boundaries and to do this mythical thing called ‘letting go’.
It’s hard.
Sweet Jesus, it is HARD.
It’s hard because it’s partly habit and it’s hard because it’s just bloody hard to let myself enjoy myself without thinking that I need to have DONE something to earn that enjoyment. You know: I’ve worked all day today, therefore I’ve EARNED the right to watch some television.
The fact is I can just watch some television. I don’t actually have to EARN it, I’m allowed. Heck, I’m not even ‘allowed’, it’s just something that I can do and I don’t need to put any qualifiers on the action.
But good night, is it hard to change how you think about things.
One of the other things that has been hard to do, but that I’ve managed to do, is in regards to writing.
If there is one thing that gives me sheer pleasure and satisfaction, it’s writing. Even if what I write sucks or is just a throwaway paragraph that relates to nothing or even if I never get published or get a review again, writing satisfies something inside of me. It gives my brain this space that I can play in and thing about. And it has been unbelievably hard to let myself set boundaries around my writing time to protect it.
So. Hard.
But I feel so much better when I do. I feel a sense of accomplishment and relief and it leaves me in a better head space to do all of the other things I need to do. Then when the anxiety that’s always hovering does touch down, I’m more centered. Even when I don’t feel like writing, I write.
This isn’t anything new. And I’m sure I’m preaching to the choir, but it’s taken me a whole year to get to the point where I can actually say out loud, ‘This is my time for writing.’ And stick to it. I still feel guilty and like I’m not sure if I’ve earned the time, but I’m doing it. I’m doing it and hopefully the feelings parts will eventually fade.
Tl;dr – I’m writing regularly and it feels amazing.
The following are some thoughts that I’ve had running about in my head and thought it might be interesting to write them down and send them into the LJ ether or, as Meg Ryan’s character calls it in You’ve Got Mail (no judging!), the Dear Void.
It has been a very tough year. Heck, it’s been a very tough last few years. We moved twice in the span of 12 months and it looks like we’re off again sometime this summer. Everything feels incredibly temporary and stability feels like this thing that happens to other people and not us. (It even feels like it’s this thing that Other People Have Earned But Not Us, but that’s a WHOLE ‘nother post.)
Considering how jumbled everything is and how much anxiety there is that seems to hover just above our heads, I’ve been working hard to try to find ways to mitigate it and to draw some boundaries and to do this mythical thing called ‘letting go’.
It’s hard.
Sweet Jesus, it is HARD.
It’s hard because it’s partly habit and it’s hard because it’s just bloody hard to let myself enjoy myself without thinking that I need to have DONE something to earn that enjoyment. You know: I’ve worked all day today, therefore I’ve EARNED the right to watch some television.
The fact is I can just watch some television. I don’t actually have to EARN it, I’m allowed. Heck, I’m not even ‘allowed’, it’s just something that I can do and I don’t need to put any qualifiers on the action.
But good night, is it hard to change how you think about things.
One of the other things that has been hard to do, but that I’ve managed to do, is in regards to writing.
If there is one thing that gives me sheer pleasure and satisfaction, it’s writing. Even if what I write sucks or is just a throwaway paragraph that relates to nothing or even if I never get published or get a review again, writing satisfies something inside of me. It gives my brain this space that I can play in and thing about. And it has been unbelievably hard to let myself set boundaries around my writing time to protect it.
So. Hard.
But I feel so much better when I do. I feel a sense of accomplishment and relief and it leaves me in a better head space to do all of the other things I need to do. Then when the anxiety that’s always hovering does touch down, I’m more centered. Even when I don’t feel like writing, I write.
This isn’t anything new. And I’m sure I’m preaching to the choir, but it’s taken me a whole year to get to the point where I can actually say out loud, ‘This is my time for writing.’ And stick to it. I still feel guilty and like I’m not sure if I’ve earned the time, but I’m doing it. I’m doing it and hopefully the feelings parts will eventually fade.
Tl;dr – I’m writing regularly and it feels amazing.
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Date: 2015-05-08 02:17 pm (UTC)Also, I'm super thrilled you're getting to write regularly! I've fallen way out of the habit after last month's round of "edit all the anthology submissions all the time" and I'm definitely finding that I miss putting new words down on paper. I've still got the crazy novel editing to do this month, but I'm trying to allow myself some time to work on fics or short stories first thing in the morning before I get to the day job. It just feels like the best kind of start to my day, you know?
no subject
Date: 2015-05-08 04:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-05-08 05:11 pm (UTC)