Effing August
Aug. 23rd, 2025 08:17 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
seren_ccdSoooo...remember how I said I'd post here more often and then disappeared? Yeah. It has been a rough two weeks. I'm absolutely cutting this for length and for mentions of depression and alcoholism (not mine).
So, to start, mom has been ill. Bronchitis turned into COVID, which turned into severe pneumonia, which turned into what they're calling non-interstitial lung disease aka serious lung inflammation. She was in the hospital for 7 weeks in total, including rehab. She's on oxygen, a low amount, but she's been pretty dang puny. And I'm her only family and this has simply been up to me to handle. I was on vacation when I heard she was being admitted into the hospital, so I went straight from the airport to the hospital and then stayed at her house for the last three months.
Good news is, she is home, she is doing miles better, her prognosis is good (with some caveats), and she is working to get back to her normal of driving, meeting up with friends, and volunteering at the piano lessons at church. So - yay.
It has been awful. I do not exactly consider caregiving my gift, but I've been doing it while also working full time. I've had to stay at her house because of her old dog. So...
Then two weeks ago, my boyfriend of five years called me on the phone and broke up with me. ON THE PHONE. I had to pull over into the Total Wine parking lot to attempt to deal with that and just ended up sobbing in my car for an hour.
He says it's not me, he's been unhappy and stuck and I've done nothing wrong and he's not sure what's wrong with him but he didn't want to lead me on and blah. Y'all. I'm still processing it all and I won't go into all the details of how that week felt (BAD), but y'all. It's depression, I'm sure. He's been battling it and to be very honest, he drinks too much. Which he admits. I honestly believe that he is tired of having responsibilities and taking care of a home and he hates his job and, and, and.
I want a home. I want a home of my own. I want safety and stability and comfort and somewhere that is mine. I want to excel at my job and be an asset to my community. I want to experience joy. I HAVE to take care of my mom. That is a responsibility that I could probably approach with a bit more grace, but it's something that I will not and cannot shirk. That's me. That's who I am. And I'm not apologizing for any of it. It's not what he wants. Or at least, it's not what he wants with me. And that's fair. It effing hurts and I'm sad and angry and have to build my self-worth back up again, but there we are.
And honestly, this last week, once I got past some of the immediate gut-punch, I find I feel lighter somehow. I don't think I realized how much I shrunk myself to fit into the relationship. I dimmed parts of myself. I certainly drank more than I like to, so I've stopped that for awhile.
I'm tired. I'm now fixing up mom's house so I can live here comfortably, which includes packing up 45 years of stuff so new flooring can be put down upstairs. That's today. Wish me luck!
I'm better than I was a week ago and hopefully, a week from now, I'll be better again. With new flooring and no stinky carpet. There's a promise of a cool trip to Ecuador next year on the horizon and I'm doing some neat things with my job that could be cool (a podcast of sorts, who knows!). And there's a new Florence & the Machine album coming out on Halloween, and, and, and. I'm trying and I'll get there. Again. *deep breaths*
You're all amazing! Be well!
So, to start, mom has been ill. Bronchitis turned into COVID, which turned into severe pneumonia, which turned into what they're calling non-interstitial lung disease aka serious lung inflammation. She was in the hospital for 7 weeks in total, including rehab. She's on oxygen, a low amount, but she's been pretty dang puny. And I'm her only family and this has simply been up to me to handle. I was on vacation when I heard she was being admitted into the hospital, so I went straight from the airport to the hospital and then stayed at her house for the last three months.
Good news is, she is home, she is doing miles better, her prognosis is good (with some caveats), and she is working to get back to her normal of driving, meeting up with friends, and volunteering at the piano lessons at church. So - yay.
It has been awful. I do not exactly consider caregiving my gift, but I've been doing it while also working full time. I've had to stay at her house because of her old dog. So...
Then two weeks ago, my boyfriend of five years called me on the phone and broke up with me. ON THE PHONE. I had to pull over into the Total Wine parking lot to attempt to deal with that and just ended up sobbing in my car for an hour.
He says it's not me, he's been unhappy and stuck and I've done nothing wrong and he's not sure what's wrong with him but he didn't want to lead me on and blah. Y'all. I'm still processing it all and I won't go into all the details of how that week felt (BAD), but y'all. It's depression, I'm sure. He's been battling it and to be very honest, he drinks too much. Which he admits. I honestly believe that he is tired of having responsibilities and taking care of a home and he hates his job and, and, and.
I want a home. I want a home of my own. I want safety and stability and comfort and somewhere that is mine. I want to excel at my job and be an asset to my community. I want to experience joy. I HAVE to take care of my mom. That is a responsibility that I could probably approach with a bit more grace, but it's something that I will not and cannot shirk. That's me. That's who I am. And I'm not apologizing for any of it. It's not what he wants. Or at least, it's not what he wants with me. And that's fair. It effing hurts and I'm sad and angry and have to build my self-worth back up again, but there we are.
And honestly, this last week, once I got past some of the immediate gut-punch, I find I feel lighter somehow. I don't think I realized how much I shrunk myself to fit into the relationship. I dimmed parts of myself. I certainly drank more than I like to, so I've stopped that for awhile.
I'm tired. I'm now fixing up mom's house so I can live here comfortably, which includes packing up 45 years of stuff so new flooring can be put down upstairs. That's today. Wish me luck!
I'm better than I was a week ago and hopefully, a week from now, I'll be better again. With new flooring and no stinky carpet. There's a promise of a cool trip to Ecuador next year on the horizon and I'm doing some neat things with my job that could be cool (a podcast of sorts, who knows!). And there's a new Florence & the Machine album coming out on Halloween, and, and, and. I'm trying and I'll get there. Again. *deep breaths*
You're all amazing! Be well!
no subject
Date: 2025-08-23 04:05 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-08-25 12:05 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-08-23 04:38 pm (UTC)The fact that you feel lighter is SUCH a good sign that you can get back to being you and the things you enjoy. The fact that you are immediately back here in fandom spaces now that he's broken up with you definitely makes me wonder if you were denying yourself some of the things YOU loved to fit the things he did. And you deserve to enjoy things just for you even if you are in a relationship. The husbeast does not remotely understand my writing bug (fanfic or original honestly) but he's happy to encourage me and let me babble as needed. And in turn I'm happy to let him babble about his latest project or plans for the old truck he wants to fix up etc.
You deserve a partner like that - one that makes you feel free to be more you instead of less. *massive hugs again* You know I'm always around for emails or fb messages (or I guess messages here too now that I think about it lol) to vent or just chat about whatever small thing is making you happy that day. Sending you all the long distance love and I really am so glad to see you around here again!!!
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Date: 2025-08-25 12:07 pm (UTC)Thank you! You may definitely be hearing from me!
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Date: 2025-08-23 06:04 pm (UTC)You got this! Better days are ahead! <3
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Date: 2025-08-25 12:08 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-08-24 03:30 am (UTC)I am so sorry.
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Date: 2025-08-25 12:10 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-08-25 02:39 pm (UTC)Also, the mom thing and the complexity therein. I really hope you're able to get your stuff. Do you have someone local to help with that?
And you absolutely deserve a year off, a puppy, and an iced beverage of your choice. And you have my long-distance hugs for managing through the really complicated emotional landscape you're standing in. I know you can manage it, but I'm really, really sorry you have to. I am so goddamn tired of me and my friends having to be resilient. Can't it just be boring for a while?
*wishes boredom @ u*
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Date: 2025-08-27 11:34 am (UTC)He actually packed up all my things (?!) and he and his daughter brought it all to a storage place I rented. I have...A LOT of mixed feelings about that, but it's done and whatever.
I wish BOREDOM for you!!!!
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Date: 2025-08-24 05:22 pm (UTC)And I'm sorry, too, that you had to go through ending a relationship ON THE PHONE, jeez. But it seems that you are discovering new ways of being without that, which is a good thing. I know it sucks and it hurts, but I'm happy to read that you feel *better*, by a bit, and I think that's a very positive thing for the future.
My sister was the sole caretaker of our mother for almost 10 years, only needing help (from home hospice) and a care home in the last couple years. It took a toll on her, but it made the last years of our mother's life much, much better.
Seek out EVERY resource there is, from home care to respite care to day activities - all of it. The hospice care wasn't end of life, it was just help in toileting, bathing, etc., that mum needed toward the end. If your mum is on Medicare (not sure where you are, US? UK?) then get a case worker and have them give you every single resource they can dig up, and use them. Not saying you're going to need them all, but take whatever they'll give, because it's VERY easy to burn yourself out being the person in charge.
New work stuff sounds intriguing! Best of luck and take care of yourself. <3
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Date: 2025-08-25 12:11 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-08-25 09:54 pm (UTC)Hey, you don't have to be a graceful caregiver. You really don't. You're doing it and you're still staying true to yourself! Trust me, I have fucking stories, we could sit and talk.
Look, I'm glad if he couldn't be supportive, he got out, but also: I'm glad you've got stuff to look forward to and some things for your job that could be great, and you're taking care of things with your Mom's house for comfort.
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Date: 2025-08-27 11:38 am (UTC)I'm working on the grace. She and I have had some moments and established some boundaries and that has helped a lot. And yeah, I'm pretty sure this is the right thing to do, but dang it. Too many emotions to deal with.
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Date: 2025-09-03 03:07 am (UTC)It's hard to have grace! I have less grace than I would like sometimes, but getting through it is the important thing. And you have all my support!