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seren_ccdFeel free to skip this as I'm still in the throes of working through STUFF. (And yes, I do have a therapist, she's young, but I think it's working out.)
So...my latest moment of clarity is that I am actually where I have always wanted to be. I have a creative, challenging job that (I think) helps people find a safe space to exist in. I have a great community of people who do their best to be decent human beings. I'm reconnecting with old friends and making new ones. I'm taking care of my mom and establishing good boundaries around it. I'm creating opportunities for travel. I'm exercising. And I've been in this place for a few years now. It's absolutely NOT perfect, but what is? This is where I'm meant to be in this stage in my life and I'm content.
He isn't. I don't think he's EVER been content. Is some of that brain chemistry and too much substance abuse? Probably. Is some of that dissatisfaction out of his control? Probably. Is all of it? I don't know. Is it up to me to help him figure it out? Not anymore. And he never asked, even when we were good. Does that make me sad? Very. I've always thought that a good relationship (romantic or platonic) is one where you lift each other up. Where you do your best to supportive and work together and care about the other's hard stuff and good stuff. He stopped being that for me ages ago.
I hope he finds it, whatever "it" is. But it is out of my hands and I did not deserve the callousness he showed me. Even if it was some kind of self-preservation thing on his end. It sucked.
So! I'm going to be over here. Re-learning Spanish for a possible trip to Ecuador next year. And doing freaking yoga cause I like it and it stops my upper back from being a jerk. And watching WAY too much Midsomer Murders and HGTV Home Town (new Silent Witness starts on BritBox this week!). And working too hard, but it's kind of fun and I love my coworkers. Oh! And a friend and I are doing Trunk R Treat and thinking of doing a ghost hunters theme (a la Buzzfeed Unsolved, but with less swearing. Mostly. "This is my bridge now!" IYKYK.).
I'm good.
I hope YOU'RE all good.
Happy Monday!
So...my latest moment of clarity is that I am actually where I have always wanted to be. I have a creative, challenging job that (I think) helps people find a safe space to exist in. I have a great community of people who do their best to be decent human beings. I'm reconnecting with old friends and making new ones. I'm taking care of my mom and establishing good boundaries around it. I'm creating opportunities for travel. I'm exercising. And I've been in this place for a few years now. It's absolutely NOT perfect, but what is? This is where I'm meant to be in this stage in my life and I'm content.
He isn't. I don't think he's EVER been content. Is some of that brain chemistry and too much substance abuse? Probably. Is some of that dissatisfaction out of his control? Probably. Is all of it? I don't know. Is it up to me to help him figure it out? Not anymore. And he never asked, even when we were good. Does that make me sad? Very. I've always thought that a good relationship (romantic or platonic) is one where you lift each other up. Where you do your best to supportive and work together and care about the other's hard stuff and good stuff. He stopped being that for me ages ago.
I hope he finds it, whatever "it" is. But it is out of my hands and I did not deserve the callousness he showed me. Even if it was some kind of self-preservation thing on his end. It sucked.
So! I'm going to be over here. Re-learning Spanish for a possible trip to Ecuador next year. And doing freaking yoga cause I like it and it stops my upper back from being a jerk. And watching WAY too much Midsomer Murders and HGTV Home Town (new Silent Witness starts on BritBox this week!). And working too hard, but it's kind of fun and I love my coworkers. Oh! And a friend and I are doing Trunk R Treat and thinking of doing a ghost hunters theme (a la Buzzfeed Unsolved, but with less swearing. Mostly. "This is my bridge now!" IYKYK.).
I'm good.
I hope YOU'RE all good.
Happy Monday!
no subject
Date: 2025-09-22 09:16 pm (UTC)So glad you have a therapist that is working for you - that really can make all the difference in working through complicated feelings to make it to the other side.
I've been to Ecuador actually - for a mission trip WAY back in the day to help a local community there with building their new church at their invitation (which felt a lot less squicky than going and preaching to folks who would have just been going about their own business, you know?). It was two weeks of literally tossing cinder blocks up and down a mountain side LOL, but I really enjoyed it. Just be prepared for the altitude to make EVERYTHING harder. Your long walks may need to be planned to be on the shorter side for SURE.
And if you have BritBox, we've enjoyed the hell out of Death in Paradise - it's got enough comedy that the murders never get too heavy, plus the scenery of Saint Marie where it's set and filmed is STUNNING. I definitely think it's worth checking out if you haven't yet!
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Date: 2025-09-24 12:48 pm (UTC)*HUGS*
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Date: 2025-09-24 02:17 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-09-23 02:06 am (UTC)I hope your Ecuador trip is amazing - that sounds so fun!
It's the autumn equinox today - Merry Mabon and blessed be!
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Date: 2025-09-24 12:48 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2025-09-23 03:02 am (UTC)And yesssssss, Silent Witness new season! Well, “new”. STILL.
no subject
Date: 2025-09-24 12:49 pm (UTC)